Journey to My Friend: Part 8

Part 8: ♫ Just as I Am ♫

But bitterness and rebellion reigned in my heart. I nurtured resentment and ill-will toward my stepfather and something between disappointment and anger toward my mom. I lashed out angrily at my brothers. I ignored my younger half-siblings when I could get away with it. Yes, I knew it was sin but it wasn't my fault. So that made it understandable. And if God understood, then it was okay. However, deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't really okay. So I worked harder at being "Christian." I devised a self-improvement regimen for myself...I began a Bible reading program...I chose one of the ten commandments to work on each month...I copied verse after verse out of the Bible... However, I remained in a miserable state of mind because I knew it still wasn't okay. Grumbling and unhappy, we kids were working out in the field one hot summer day. It hadn't rained in several months and the corn was desperately dry. Heavy, awkward and hot to the touch, the irrigation pipes needed to be loaded onto the truck to be moved to another location. I looked up at the cloudless sky and challenged God: I asked Him to fill the sky with clouds to prove to me He was real and that He did love me. Sighing, I heaved another pipe onto the truck and glanced up in the sky. Still cloudless. More pipes on the truck, more complaining amongst ourselves. Another load delivered and another pile of pipes to load.

I don't know exactly how long it took for me to notice the clouds that had begun to bunch up in the sky. My joy at this welcome sight soon turned to self reproach. Who was I to be making demands of God? It came to me that I was nothing but a sinner, shaking my fist at a holy God, asking for proof of His existence and love. This was the first time I really understood that I was choosing to sin and that I was responsible for my choices. I finally realized that I really wasn't a good little girl and asked God to forgive me. The back of that old farm truck became the altar where I sacrificed my pride, resentment, and self-pity. Those moments under the blazing blue Nebraska sky with a few fluffy clouds defined the turning point of my life. He took me just as I was, nothing good in me, as I claimed the shed blood of Jesus.

Journey to My Friend: Part 7

Part 7: ♫ Jesus Loves Me ♫

I was a good girl. I worked hard in school; I never got into any trouble. At home, I obeyed my parents, at least outwardly. I wasn't disrespectful, at least not in the words that came out of my mouth. I did my work adequately--although I must admit, not always diligently! I loved my younger half-siblings and met their needs responsibly when they were in my care.



Yes, I was a good girl. And I thought it was enough. I loved Jesus, I knew He loved me. After all, I had been to Sunday School and Vacation Bible School when I was younger and I learned that song!




I clung to Jesus when when I heard a voice raised in anger toward my mother.
I clung to Jesus when that anger was directed toward us.
I clung to Jesus when I was bitterly cold and the tears froze on my cheeks.
I clung to Jesus when I was brought to face with the fact that I was powerless.

Although I didn't understand a lot of things, I trusted Jesus and I knew He loved me.

Journey to My Friend: Part 6

Part 6: ♫ Jesus Loves the Little Children ♫

'Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world'. I was a child, wasn't I? Therefore, Jesus loved me. Or He OUGHT to love me. There were many times when I didn't feel loved. But I was young and immature and didn't understand the nature of love. I thought if God really loved me, things would be a lot different.




So I prayed. A lot.

Things didn't change.


Except my understanding. As I got a bit older, probably around ten, I began to see, in a very limited way, how God was using events in my life.

It was also about this time that I began to believe in the sovereignty of God. Or maybe I was just getting a glimpse of what "sovereignty" meant. Of course, I didn't know that word, but I knew and believed that God had to be in complete control of everything or He wasn't God.

Journey to My Friend: Part 5

Part 5: ♫ Praise Him, Praise Him ♫

In the mid 1960's, friends of my parents offered to take us to VBS at their church two summers in a row and, for whatever reason, we were allowed to go.

Vacation Bible School... What happy memories! For me, it was a week beyond belief! Stories, games, crafts, singing ALL morning long! ...and snacks. To this day, I don't think I have ever tasted anything better than those cookies and kool-aid.

Vacation Bible School everyday! ...for five whole days! To some of the kids there, it was ho-him but to me, sheer happiness!

♫ ♫ ♫ 'If You're Happy and You Know It'
'Jesus Loves Me'
'Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam'
'The B-I-B-L-E'
'This Little Light of Mine'
'Jesus Loves The Little Children'
♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

And... 'Praise Him, Praise Him!'

I joined right in that happy song-not quite sure who I was praising or why or even what praise was. Not having had much experience with praise, it was puzzling to me. Plus I had no idea what in the world a "blessed Redeemer" was.

An, although it was my favorite part, I couldn't tell anyone about "His excellent greatness" because I had never experienced it. I wanted to be one of the children He carried in His arms all day long. But I wasn't...